Red Rock

10 years ago I had the awesome job of hanging out in Santa Barbara. I drank wine and sat on the beach. I listened to music and cooked with friends. Life was grand. 

My parents came to visit one summer and we went out to Solvang for the day. We stopped into a small store that was doing wine tastings and I bought a few bottles of this Red Rock Syrah. 

After enjoying those bottles with friends, I eventually opted to buy a case. I never did that before nor since so you can imagine how I much I enjoyed this wine. 

Now we have just 1 bottle left (well techincally a bottle and a half, but that won't last long). We decided it was a good night to indulge in my favorite wine. I hoped that it was still good. Although the cork was dried out, we managed to filter those pieces out with a coffee filter (from an art project at work...clean of course).

The smell was exactly right. The taste just as wonderful as my first sip so many years ago. I don't have a sophisticated palate (in fact I don't really know what that means). But this wine, sigh, was perfect. 

They say any bottle of wine can be wonderful in the right company. Tonight I understood. Nothing exceptional about today, just a regular Thursday night, made special with this bottle. 

The vineyard still exists although I don't think they bottle the wine under this label any more. I will be doing some research tomorrow. 

Red Rock Syrah, thank you for the memories. 

The Village

It's said that it takes a village to raise a child. I am buying into it. 

This week I had lunch with a friend. Taking that hour and a half to chat made me feel like a human again. As we parted ways, I mentioned how I need to see my friends more. They are my village. 

They keep me human. They help to keep my head above water. They give me the strength to carry on. They help me to see the forest from the trees. They make me laugh. 

Why has it taken me so long to realize? Why do I forget this?

The End of the Week

The end if the week is rough. By Friday, I am exhausted. My long day on Thursday leaves me depleted and struggling. No matter how hard I try to get up on time and out the door, I am still late. 

Every morning requires a bit of multitasking. Making the oatmeal, while applying the makeup. Getting changed while keeping in eye on the breakfasting toddler. Trying to make sure that she gets some quality time before rushing out the door to school. 

Today I am supposed to check in with the COO at work, but as usual I am running late. Why?

Because my daughter climbed into my lap and wanted to be read to. At that moment I gave up rushing. Tears welled in my eyes as I realized that she is the only person I want to see today. I really wanted to just call in sick and spend the day with her. 

So we read a few stories and put on some shoes. We took out time walking to school. I am headed to work, late for the call and counting the minutes until the weekend. 

The end of the week is hard. 

A Reminder

A dear friend over at Speaking Of reminded me this week to write. I have been doing a meditation challenge and today's centering thought was "I fearlessly speak my truth with love." I will try to write more. Baby steps, like my daughter, who is now beginning to walk.

That is all for now.

Namaste

What if what I want...

Is different from other people?

Doesn't conform to the American dream?

Challenges me in a new and exciting way?

Means serious business?

Is what I was meant to do?

These are the questions I am facing now. A little light philosophical internal debate. I want to lean into it, trust that the universe will support me, and come out on the other side stronger and better for it. 

I am racking my brain trying to figure out what my purpose is. I have started reading for inspiration. I have started writing for clarity (again). If you have suggestions, I am open to hearing them.

When is a mistake a mistake

I may have made a mistake. I am not sure. It might be too soon to tell, or it might just be a mistake and it's time to forgive myself and move on.

I wanted a change. I knew that the state I was in wasn't healthy. I knew it would help to take a big risk. So I did. Now I am hoping this is just a tangent that will help me in the long run.

I know we each have the power to view every obstacle as an opportunity. I am trying. Perhaps this opportunity is the one where I get out of the rat race. 

No one was hurt, except perhaps my pride. For that I am grateful. 

Sigh...

"What Happened to the Blog"

The other morning, my husband asked me, "What happened to the blog?" Well, let's see. I had my final days working at the job I had been at for over 6 years. There's drama at the daycare. I started another private mama group online. And I didn't think I had much to say.

I woke up on Thursday and didn't have a job to go to. Not exactly. I have a job to go to in a few days, but for a week, I have off. So I went to my new job to sit in on a staff meeting, to get to know some of my colleagues and to visit the brand new facilities. In the meantime, I'm making lists of things to do, people to call, birthday parties to plan, things that need to be bought for the apartment. Oh yeah - and time to spend with the babe.

Wednesday was emotional. It was my last day at CH. I was fine until about 5PM. Then I started to lose it. I worked at CH for 6.5 years. In my job prior, I spent time there too, so it was more like 9 years. I have watched so many of my friends leave and start new adventures. I thought I was prepared to leave without any tears. It hurt - more than I care to admit. My last moments were spent on stage, looking out to an empty house. Remembering all the times I welcomed audiences to the education concerts. As I walked off, the stage hands opened the door, just as they do for all the great conductors and soloists. This is how I choose to remember my time there. It doesn't get any better.

Leaving CH and starting a new job is how I'm leaning towards balance. I know that things are going to be crazy for a while - the longer commute, learning a new job, trying to find a way to be "on" when I get home so I can give my daughter my undivided attention. Somehow it seems worth it. To choose this new adventure. I imagine that I will have some time to think on my extra long commute. Hopefully I will continue to find things to say. We'll see.

That's what happened to the blog.

Times, they are a-changin'

I am starting my next adventure.

I recently accepted a new job. I wasn't really looking for a new job, but it happened. I put the idea out into the universe - I need a change. And it found me.

I'm excited. I'm also a bit scared. I wonder what life will be like a month from now. I wonder how I will balance the commute with quality time with my family. There's a lot to think about.

I'm leaning towards balance.

Honesty

Each day I get a quote delivered to my email. This was the quote one day last week:

"Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves." Walter Anderson (1903-1965); American Artist

I happened to be sitting in a session at a conference when I read the quote. I'm not going to comment on WHY I was reading my email during the session or HOW I proceeded to write this post using a pen and paper (you can come to your own conclusions). And this is what I was thinking about.

If I'm to be honest with myself, I don't want to be doing what I'm doing anymore. What do I want to do, you ask. I don't know. Here's what I do know.

I am at a crossroads. I want a change and I am working through what that means.

To do that I am meditating with Oprah and Deepak. Don't laugh. I have always enjoyed meditating but I find it hard to do without guidance. Several years ago, I was in a group with some friends, one who led us through guided meditation and spiritual work. I loved those evenings in her cozy apartment with a working fireplace (yep, that's right, working fireplace in Hells Kitchen). I haven't done much meditating since. Last summer, while on maternity leave, Deepak hosted a 21-day challenge and I tried again, holding my daughter in a dark room. It was lovely. When the new meditation challenge was announced, I was on board. I'm slightly behind everyone else, but I'm there. I'm doing it.

I've been inspired by Brene Brown. I decided to read The Gifts of Imperfection after seeing it listed on a blog. At that point, I realized I had seen her TED Talks on vulnerability and shame. I love her! I want to be authentic. I want my daughter to experience life in this way. And it means that I need to change what it is I do in my life.

I started a support group for a lack of a better term. Given all the talk about leaning in, I wanted to gather friends who are working through the same challenges as me. We post inspirations, quotes, and articles to help keep the momentum going. To keep us all moving forward.

And I'm writing. Enough said.

So what are my next steps? Well, I have to figure out what it means to change. Does it mean to quit my job so I can focus on my other ideas? Perhaps. And that would be a big change. Or perhaps it means connecting friends each week. Last week I saw former co-workers, my best friend, a former intern, and tons of colleagues. This week I've had lunch with fellow co-worker moms and drinks with a friend. In reconnecting with so many friends, I've been inspired. I feel alive again. I feel closer to fine - well maybe just closer to me.

There are No Absolutes

I am not one for extremes and absolutes. At least I try not to be. I find that it doesn't serve me. Or more accurately  I am realizing this now.

Parenting will teach you this very quickly. However, it's a matter of acknowledging it and accepting it, which can be hard.  Recently, I have been reading many articles about parenting - stress free parenting, parenting choices, reminders for new parents like this. And I believe that if you are in the right place at the right time (this applies to anything really) you'll make connections to things and learn from them. So all of these articles have been pointing to this - there are no absolutes in this world. 

Sure, you can argue that 2 + 2 = 4. But I am talking about the choices we make for ourselves and our families. As a pregnant-soon-to-be-mom, I had ideas about how I would parent, what I would feed my child, how I would provide for my family. What I realize is that it changes. Constantly. I can't pretend to know it all and have it figured out.

Instead I am learning to live with the uncertainty. I am learning that it's OK that my daughter eats some pre-made baby food, even if I really want her to eat all homemade foods. I am learning that sometimes nap times change. And sometimes I will eat pasta 3 nights in a row, because leftovers from Dominick's  are really good.

There are times when it is easier to accept than others. Like with my eating habits. (I can do what I want, right?) But I want to be a good role model for my girl, so I make better choices (sometimes). And other times it takes a while for it to sink in. I'm doing the best that I can for my daughter and I will continue to learn from my experiences. 

It's a balancing act. It's about acceptance and forgiveness. It's about leaning towards balance.

Being Tested

This week has been one test after another. I am learning how to pass.

As I spent my 4th night at the Flushing Hospital Medical Center with my daughter and husband, I started reflecting on how much I have learned in just a few days. Just when I thought life was about me, I was reminded how it's not any more. Being a mother means it's always about the children. Not in a "Wah...I want this toy" kind of way, but in a "Help me mom. I need help breathing" way.

Since December our family has been sick. I remember taking a day off at the end of November as a "mental health day" to recharge my batteries. The next week, I had to take two days because of the horrible stomach virus going around. My daughter didn't get it, thank god. Just me and the hubby. I nursed her through it, but my supply dwindled. By Christmas I was sick again and that lasted until I finally got antibiotics mid-January. That was when I gave up nursing completely. Meanwhile, she got pinkeye (again). By mid-February she had brochiolitis. I think you get the drift.

So on Monday when I took her to the doctor, I thought I knew the drill. By the time I got home from work on Tuesday, she was asleep. It wasn't until we went in to sleep that we noticed how hard she was breathing. After conferring with a pediatrician and the nurses hotline, we were in the car going to the ER.

Test 1 - What is baby's social security number?
Fail.
Assignment - learn it.

Actually test 1 was knowing which hospital to go to. I also failed this test (her pediatrician doesn't admitt here) and at 12am I wasn't thinking clearly enough to realize there are 2 hospitals in Flushing with pediatrics wings.
Lesson learned.
Note: we are pleased with the care she is receiving.

Test 2 - How will you act?
Do not freak out when you see the cage-like crib your daughter will spend the next 4 days in. This was a shock. Keep it together. The crib is higher so the doctors and nurses don't have to bend to reach the child. This is great if you are over 5'6". If you are a hobbit, you get shoes with a high lift/heal like my crocs to make comforting and administering nebulizer treatments easier.  Also, it's OK to see your little one in an oxygen tent. It's like a big plastic box, with a hose that pumps oxygen in. Lesson learned. Keep it cool.

This was taken after we were told we were going to be discharged and she was napping.
You can imagine what I was thinking when we first arrived in the room.

She got a Pooh Bear from her uncle. When she was awake and sitting up, she played with Pooh and her Jelly Cat.

Test 3 - What are the doctor's and nurses's names?
I could have done better, but I passed. The first night (after several hours in the ER) I was so delirious from lack of sleep (it must have been about 23 hours awake by that point) that I was convinced everyone was named Dr. or Nurse Kim. We were in Flushing after all . Soon I realized how important it was to know who was on duty. When the IV is beeping because it's not working, it helps to say "Tamara, it's happening again." We were also happy to see Dr. Paul, who was one of the two pediatricians that we interviewed last year. His offices are located farther away from our apartment, so we didn't choose him. But it was great to see a familiar face. Also, since Flushing Hospital Medical Center is a teaching hospital, we got to know some of the residents and med students. They wanted to hear her lungs for the crackling and let us try their stethoscopes to listen too.
This was one of the biggest lessons of the week. Always be kind to people and get to know them. It can mean your stay at the hospital is less stressful. By the end of the stay, everyone from the floor was coming to visit.

Test 4 - How do sleep in a room where there are no bed?
Passed - Split the night into shifts. One parent gets the sleeper chair for a couple of hours, while the other figures out how to sleep on two chairs pushed together. Switch when the nurses come in for the next nebulizer treatment, or temperature reading, or when the IV starts beeping again. The first night was the worse (I don't think I slept more than 30 minutes) but by last night, I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep. I'm a morning person, so as soon as it was 6AM, I was OK getting up and "starting" the day (getting coffee, checking email, giving a nebulizer treatment).
Lesson learned - take turns and share the "bed." It also helps to have a few blankets in the car. In a pinch they will mean you have something soft to cuddle up with. Hospitals are cold at night.

Test 5 - How soon do you venture out of the room?
Passed - After getting some sleep, get out of the room. Go get coffee. Check out the playroom (although it might make you cry when you see the children playing). If at all possible, walk outside and get fresh air. I always find that the first time I do something, or go somewhere, I am nervous and anxious. This was no exception. Hubby got out first and encouraged me to go. I got outside to get the blankets from the car. Then I called my best friend, who I knew had experience with long hospital stays with her son. I nearly lost my cool. At that point, very few people knew we were at the hospital. Calling her and talking about the situation helped me release some of the tension. Later that day, I drove home, got a shower, took a short nap and then headed back to the hospital. It was hard to be away from her, but I knew she was in good hands. Getting out helps. A lot.
Lesson learned - change of perspective helps. Face the anxiety head-on. Take a chance. You'll be better for it.

Test 6 - How do you take time for yourself?
Could have done better, but passed. Getting out of the room helped. Talking to friends helped. Going home for a few hours helped. Blogging helped. Eating food (even hospital food) helped. This is another lesson from this week that I'm still working on. I remember when I delivered her and had to have surgery afterwards. I was asked if I wanted her to sleep in my room with me and nurse her over night. I said no, because I knew I needed to sleep and heal to be able to really dive into motherhood. I have never regretted this decision and it may have been one of the first times in my life that I've said "no" and knew it was the right call. I often call upon that memory to help me remember to take time for me.

Test 7 - Are you assertive enough?
Could have done better, but passed. I don't like conflict. I like when people are happy and comfortable and not stressing. I have a hard time being assertive, especially in situations where I know someone (a doctor, a nurse) is being pulled in many directions at once. But I found my voice when I needed to. Like when the IV stopped dripping for the 47th time in 10 minutes. Like when I wanted to go to sleep and was waiting for the nurses to check her vitals. I will continue to keep working on this.

There were many more tests. How do you keep your thoughts positive? How do you hold your child while she gets an IV or when it comes out? How do you go days without being able to cuddle with your child because she needs to be in an oxygen tent?

So many scary moments and so many moments of joy, happiness, and relief. When we saw her first smile. When we saw she could breathe easier. When she wanted more medicine (if only this would happen at home). When she heard me sing and turned her head towards me. When she giggled. When she started to get closer to crawling. When we were finally told we could come home.

We are always being tested. We pass some and we fail some. We continue to learn.

We're ready to blow this popsicle joint!

If Money Were No Object

This video has been making the rounds on Facebook. It's something that I watched last week and made me question my life. Now it's popped up again. I believe that when things like this pop up it means that I'm in the right place, at the right time. So I'm sharing.

What would you do if money were no object?

(Thanks to +Patrick Kirkland for posting it to your blog. And thanks to +Amy Kirkland  for pointing it out.)

Adventure

The Magellans catalog arrived today. It always reminds me of how I love to travel. As a kid we did family trips and they were fun and always somewhat educational. We always drove in the car. Once we took a plane to Miami for a cruise. It was the last family vacation we ever took. We all had a great time because my parents let us roam around the ship. It wasn't too big and they knew we were somewhere on board.

When I was in college, I spent a fair amount of time on a bus to Boston or train to NYC. When I finally had a car at college (actually it was a small pick up truck with a stick shift - I was awesome), I would drive the back roads down to school. I would open the crank windows and play whatever music the radio had (there was no tape deck). I would drive through little Pennsylvania towns, into New Hope, and then over the river and through the woods to... Wait a minute... I remember my senior year, my brother was getting married on a Friday. There was a hurricane coming and I had to get home in the truck. Thankfully the spark plugs had been fixed the week before, because before they were fixed, every time the spark plugs got wet, the truck stalled. So many of my regular roads were flooded, I had to keep adjusting my course. I basically knew I had to get north and then west, but I had to go east a few times to find roads that were open. The next day was beautiful. It didn't even look like there had been a storm.

After college were the years of my extensive traveling. I didn't have a passport at first, and I was a bit afraid of flying after 9/11, but I went anyway. To Austria to visit a friend. I cried when I saw the Alps. I took a train to a plane to Munich, met my friend and then drove to Innsbruck. She pointed out "her mountain." I didn't understand that was where she lived, on her mountain. We explored and hiked. That year I gave up buying shoes for Lent and only bought one pair - in Italy near the Austrian border. I heard Easter Mass in the church in Innsbruck and then took the train to Vienna. On the day I left to come home, I saw the sun rise in Vienna and set over New York. It was a long day of traveling, via train, bus, plane, and subway.

And then I moved to NYC, by way of California of course. Thus started a 5 year adventure of traveling. I spent my summers in California by the beach. I went to Norman, Oklahoma for weeks on end. Countless colleges and universities. I spent time in a little town in the south of France. I heard the Cardiff Singer of the World competition in Wales. And then there was the cruise around the Mediterranean. Did I mention that this was all for work?

After what I thought was my last summer in California, my husband (then boyfriend) and I decided that we would drive back east. We placed an add on Craigslist - responsible 20-something couple looking to drive your car from LA to the NYC (or somewhere in the vicinity). We got a few takers and we settled on a Black Toyota Camary. We piled the car full of my stuff and set off across the country. Sequoia, Yosemite, Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, Badlands, Black Hills, Field of Dreams, Chicago, Ithaca. Then Katrina hit and fuel prices skyrocketed. We made it just in time.

After that, my travel became more personal. We went to DR for a few days in the sun. Costa Rica may have been one of my favorites, hiking through rain forests. Two weeks in Argentina (was it swine flu that he got on our last days?). Bermuda for the honeymoon (why were we at a resort for families?). And Greece. How we loved our adventure in Greece. We traveled with some friends for part of it. We experienced a Greek wedding (with it's amazing food and pasta at 3AM). It was our last big trip before we wanted to start our family.

Sometime in the last week, I read a blog (I've been reading a lot of blogs recently) and it was about changing your perspective. Traveling is a great way to do that. To see something for the first time. The way a child does. Just thinking about traveling makes me feel alive. To remember all of the things I've seen and done. To rejoice in the adventures that I've had.

This summer we'll attempt our first trip with the little one. We plan on driving to Chicago to see Pearl Jam (she will not be going with us to the concert). We plan on stopping along the way to see friends and to see a few sights along the way. I hope it will be the first of many trips for our family. I hope that my daughter will come to love traveling as much as her parents do.

Mission & Vision - How

I was fortunate enough to be in the presence of Eric Booth last week and was inspired to write my own Mission and Vision statements. During the session, Eric asked the fellows to write a note (like a valentine) to another fellow, sharing one or two ideas for that person to consider when writing these statements. At first people were shy and didn't want to participate, but once each fellow got a note from someone else, everyone started to have a good time. It gave me an idea.

I emailed several friends and asked them "What do you think of when you think of my career? What should I be thinking about? What have I spoken passionately about? What have I forgotten?" The response was amazing.

Everyone thought it was a great idea. They applauded me for reaching out and asking. Some of my friends who know me personally - their responses came quickly. Others, who I know from work, wanted to take time to think it over, since they have seen in a variety of jobs, doing all sorts of things. No two responses were the same. And yet, they all reminded me of who I am and what I want out of life. The whole process reaffirmed that I am doing exactly what I should be doing right now. 

I may not have it all figured out. I won't be making any major life changes in the near future. I am slowly returning to a place where I feel good about my life and comfortable in knowing that I am exactly where I am meant to be. When I have time to cook good foods for my family. When I have a chance to walk a few extra blocks to go to the vegetable stand (and eating 16Handles for lunch on that very same walk). When I have friends over for dinner, and I don't stress about the state of the apartment (they will love me whether or not every toy is put away). When I have time to write and think. And yes, when I know that I will most likely miss another day of work because my daughter is sick. 

Part of my mission is to share my story. This blog is how I plan to do it.

Mission & Vision - Why?

Every organization has a mission. In my work, we encourage the artists in the program to create their own Mission and Vision statements. Each year I am reminded that I should work on one. And most years, I start, but never really finish. 

Until now...

Last week while Eric Booth was guiding the fellows on their journey towards personal Mission and Vision statements, I was frantically trying to write my own. Or more accurately, trying to find words and phrases that would help me write my own. What is it that I want to accomplish in my life? How am I going to accomplish it? And I turned back to a document I started in August 2010 - Thoughts for a Future CIA Agent.

2010 was a crazy year for me. It started with a trip to the Pacific Northwest and my first trip to the Vancouver Olympics. (If you love sports, and even if you don't, if you get the chance to go to the Olympics, go. It's an amazing energy.) I spent most of the year working on being published in a book - 20under40. I was planning a fabulous wedding. I was a bit unhappy in my work at the time, but I knew that it would get better. I got married (a few pictures) and went away on the honeymoon. When I returned to work, everything changed. 

My direct supervisor had announced her decision to leave for a great gig in Washington, D.C. Thinking that this was a chance to move ahead in my career, I went to talk to my director about the possible promotion. A few days later, each of us was called into the office and given our new job. That's right - out of nowhere, the department was reorganized and there was nothing we could do. I was the last to be called in. My job had already been assigned to someone else. I was being moved back to my old position, as an assistant, with a better title (so it technically wasn't a demotion). That was when the depression set in.

My boss, who knew I was upset by the move, asked me to think about what I wanted. Where I wanted to be in 5 years, 10 years, etc. So I started to write Thoughts for a Future CIA Agent, because at that point, I basically wanted to throw away my career and join the CIA. Be a spy. Get out of NYC. Anything to deal with the pain of being played like a pawn and having no say in my position at the office.

As I reread the document, I realized how similarly I feel these days. 2012 was a big year. New job, baby born in June, spending the entire summer with my husband and daughter, sleeping in and hanging out (watching the Olympics of course) and then going back to work. I admit, I was excited to go back to work. But the reality of working full time with a very young child who is in day care started to get me down. It wasn't surprising that I was scrambling to write my own mission. Here I am 3 years later feeling that  everything is upside down and inside out and just plain messed up.

What is my mission? What is my vision? At the moment it's this - 

My mission is to help people become the best that they can be and to be exactly who they are meant to be. To help people get there, I will share knowledge, inspirational materials and stories by writing a blog and starting a group for friends who are interested in making a change in their lives by actively living and reflecting.

Through this process, I am committing to my own journey. It's my next big adventure.