Being Tested

This week has been one test after another. I am learning how to pass.

As I spent my 4th night at the Flushing Hospital Medical Center with my daughter and husband, I started reflecting on how much I have learned in just a few days. Just when I thought life was about me, I was reminded how it's not any more. Being a mother means it's always about the children. Not in a "Wah...I want this toy" kind of way, but in a "Help me mom. I need help breathing" way.

Since December our family has been sick. I remember taking a day off at the end of November as a "mental health day" to recharge my batteries. The next week, I had to take two days because of the horrible stomach virus going around. My daughter didn't get it, thank god. Just me and the hubby. I nursed her through it, but my supply dwindled. By Christmas I was sick again and that lasted until I finally got antibiotics mid-January. That was when I gave up nursing completely. Meanwhile, she got pinkeye (again). By mid-February she had brochiolitis. I think you get the drift.

So on Monday when I took her to the doctor, I thought I knew the drill. By the time I got home from work on Tuesday, she was asleep. It wasn't until we went in to sleep that we noticed how hard she was breathing. After conferring with a pediatrician and the nurses hotline, we were in the car going to the ER.

Test 1 - What is baby's social security number?
Fail.
Assignment - learn it.

Actually test 1 was knowing which hospital to go to. I also failed this test (her pediatrician doesn't admitt here) and at 12am I wasn't thinking clearly enough to realize there are 2 hospitals in Flushing with pediatrics wings.
Lesson learned.
Note: we are pleased with the care she is receiving.

Test 2 - How will you act?
Do not freak out when you see the cage-like crib your daughter will spend the next 4 days in. This was a shock. Keep it together. The crib is higher so the doctors and nurses don't have to bend to reach the child. This is great if you are over 5'6". If you are a hobbit, you get shoes with a high lift/heal like my crocs to make comforting and administering nebulizer treatments easier.  Also, it's OK to see your little one in an oxygen tent. It's like a big plastic box, with a hose that pumps oxygen in. Lesson learned. Keep it cool.

This was taken after we were told we were going to be discharged and she was napping.
You can imagine what I was thinking when we first arrived in the room.

She got a Pooh Bear from her uncle. When she was awake and sitting up, she played with Pooh and her Jelly Cat.

Test 3 - What are the doctor's and nurses's names?
I could have done better, but I passed. The first night (after several hours in the ER) I was so delirious from lack of sleep (it must have been about 23 hours awake by that point) that I was convinced everyone was named Dr. or Nurse Kim. We were in Flushing after all . Soon I realized how important it was to know who was on duty. When the IV is beeping because it's not working, it helps to say "Tamara, it's happening again." We were also happy to see Dr. Paul, who was one of the two pediatricians that we interviewed last year. His offices are located farther away from our apartment, so we didn't choose him. But it was great to see a familiar face. Also, since Flushing Hospital Medical Center is a teaching hospital, we got to know some of the residents and med students. They wanted to hear her lungs for the crackling and let us try their stethoscopes to listen too.
This was one of the biggest lessons of the week. Always be kind to people and get to know them. It can mean your stay at the hospital is less stressful. By the end of the stay, everyone from the floor was coming to visit.

Test 4 - How do sleep in a room where there are no bed?
Passed - Split the night into shifts. One parent gets the sleeper chair for a couple of hours, while the other figures out how to sleep on two chairs pushed together. Switch when the nurses come in for the next nebulizer treatment, or temperature reading, or when the IV starts beeping again. The first night was the worse (I don't think I slept more than 30 minutes) but by last night, I was able to get a couple of hours of sleep. I'm a morning person, so as soon as it was 6AM, I was OK getting up and "starting" the day (getting coffee, checking email, giving a nebulizer treatment).
Lesson learned - take turns and share the "bed." It also helps to have a few blankets in the car. In a pinch they will mean you have something soft to cuddle up with. Hospitals are cold at night.

Test 5 - How soon do you venture out of the room?
Passed - After getting some sleep, get out of the room. Go get coffee. Check out the playroom (although it might make you cry when you see the children playing). If at all possible, walk outside and get fresh air. I always find that the first time I do something, or go somewhere, I am nervous and anxious. This was no exception. Hubby got out first and encouraged me to go. I got outside to get the blankets from the car. Then I called my best friend, who I knew had experience with long hospital stays with her son. I nearly lost my cool. At that point, very few people knew we were at the hospital. Calling her and talking about the situation helped me release some of the tension. Later that day, I drove home, got a shower, took a short nap and then headed back to the hospital. It was hard to be away from her, but I knew she was in good hands. Getting out helps. A lot.
Lesson learned - change of perspective helps. Face the anxiety head-on. Take a chance. You'll be better for it.

Test 6 - How do you take time for yourself?
Could have done better, but passed. Getting out of the room helped. Talking to friends helped. Going home for a few hours helped. Blogging helped. Eating food (even hospital food) helped. This is another lesson from this week that I'm still working on. I remember when I delivered her and had to have surgery afterwards. I was asked if I wanted her to sleep in my room with me and nurse her over night. I said no, because I knew I needed to sleep and heal to be able to really dive into motherhood. I have never regretted this decision and it may have been one of the first times in my life that I've said "no" and knew it was the right call. I often call upon that memory to help me remember to take time for me.

Test 7 - Are you assertive enough?
Could have done better, but passed. I don't like conflict. I like when people are happy and comfortable and not stressing. I have a hard time being assertive, especially in situations where I know someone (a doctor, a nurse) is being pulled in many directions at once. But I found my voice when I needed to. Like when the IV stopped dripping for the 47th time in 10 minutes. Like when I wanted to go to sleep and was waiting for the nurses to check her vitals. I will continue to keep working on this.

There were many more tests. How do you keep your thoughts positive? How do you hold your child while she gets an IV or when it comes out? How do you go days without being able to cuddle with your child because she needs to be in an oxygen tent?

So many scary moments and so many moments of joy, happiness, and relief. When we saw her first smile. When we saw she could breathe easier. When she wanted more medicine (if only this would happen at home). When she heard me sing and turned her head towards me. When she giggled. When she started to get closer to crawling. When we were finally told we could come home.

We are always being tested. We pass some and we fail some. We continue to learn.

We're ready to blow this popsicle joint!